How Much Introspection Can One Person Take?
What a title. But it's how I feel right now.
I am in a doctoral program at UGA in Adult Learning and Organizational Leadership. Let me say from the outset that its rigor is kicking my butt and I should be working on my papers and dissertation prospectus right now rather than blogging, but it's been a while since I've posted here and there are also some thoughts I want to put up for Holy Week. Also, I spent 10-12 hours yesterday on doctoral work and need a break.
Secondly, let me say I thoroughly enjoy the classes, the content, and the profs. They are genuinely committed to our cohort, incredibly knowledgeable, and excellent teachers. My cohortians are fabulous. This is all sincere.
However . . . one of the practices, philosophically, of the program is that we are put through the processes that we read about. In a sense, we are guinea pigs (the profs are using us for research, but that's ok--the dissertation we have to write employs action research so the profs should be engaging in it, too, and we are willing and knowledgeable participants). In studying organizational change, we study a lot about becoming change agents and processes and theories for changing ourselves as well as organizations. So, what does this mean? It means we have to do a great deal (and I mean great) of reflection, introspection, critical thinking, assumption question, dialogue, and writing about it all. And sometimes that is not fun.
Case in point, to use a cliche. Last week, using GoToMeeting (neat technology, but the free/cheap version only let's you see six people at a time) most of the class met to go through Kegan and Lahey's Immunity to Change Map. Here you write down (and of course reflect) on your desires and improvment goals, then think about how you get in your own way, then your competing commitments, and then the assumptions that underlie those competing commitments. Sounds easy, right? IT IS NOT. It's hard enough alone, but with 17 or 18 other people (and the professor doing it also), I felt like a limp dishrag afterward. I took a two-hour nap afterward, and feel like taking one now just thinking about it. I was not alone in this feeling.
Some (most) of us were talkative (through the chat feature), but I notice some stood on the sidelines. I don't blame them. I think I am going to join them.
I have learned a huge amount about myself in this program. How opinionated I am, how inflexible, how I don't delegate, how I am a people pleaser and too dependent on others' approval, how I talk too much in groups and yet step back and clam up when some one says something outrageously liberal, metaphorically folding my arms in front of me. I have been asked to dig into the whys. This has been healthy and painful. I has been spiritually revealing. It has been transformative. But enough is enough. I get the point and want to get my dissertation done and graduate. I want Dr. in front of my name, which is the main motivation for doing this, let's be honest, despite how thankful I am for the classes and opportunity--and that it's paid for.
The best dissertation is a dissertation with three signatures.
I am in a doctoral program at UGA in Adult Learning and Organizational Leadership. Let me say from the outset that its rigor is kicking my butt and I should be working on my papers and dissertation prospectus right now rather than blogging, but it's been a while since I've posted here and there are also some thoughts I want to put up for Holy Week. Also, I spent 10-12 hours yesterday on doctoral work and need a break.
Secondly, let me say I thoroughly enjoy the classes, the content, and the profs. They are genuinely committed to our cohort, incredibly knowledgeable, and excellent teachers. My cohortians are fabulous. This is all sincere.
However . . . one of the practices, philosophically, of the program is that we are put through the processes that we read about. In a sense, we are guinea pigs (the profs are using us for research, but that's ok--the dissertation we have to write employs action research so the profs should be engaging in it, too, and we are willing and knowledgeable participants). In studying organizational change, we study a lot about becoming change agents and processes and theories for changing ourselves as well as organizations. So, what does this mean? It means we have to do a great deal (and I mean great) of reflection, introspection, critical thinking, assumption question, dialogue, and writing about it all. And sometimes that is not fun.
Case in point, to use a cliche. Last week, using GoToMeeting (neat technology, but the free/cheap version only let's you see six people at a time) most of the class met to go through Kegan and Lahey's Immunity to Change Map. Here you write down (and of course reflect) on your desires and improvment goals, then think about how you get in your own way, then your competing commitments, and then the assumptions that underlie those competing commitments. Sounds easy, right? IT IS NOT. It's hard enough alone, but with 17 or 18 other people (and the professor doing it also), I felt like a limp dishrag afterward. I took a two-hour nap afterward, and feel like taking one now just thinking about it. I was not alone in this feeling.
Some (most) of us were talkative (through the chat feature), but I notice some stood on the sidelines. I don't blame them. I think I am going to join them.
I have learned a huge amount about myself in this program. How opinionated I am, how inflexible, how I don't delegate, how I am a people pleaser and too dependent on others' approval, how I talk too much in groups and yet step back and clam up when some one says something outrageously liberal, metaphorically folding my arms in front of me. I have been asked to dig into the whys. This has been healthy and painful. I has been spiritually revealing. It has been transformative. But enough is enough. I get the point and want to get my dissertation done and graduate. I want Dr. in front of my name, which is the main motivation for doing this, let's be honest, despite how thankful I am for the classes and opportunity--and that it's paid for.
The best dissertation is a dissertation with three signatures.
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