One-Year Anniversary
My mother died a year ago today, at about noon. I won't put the particulars here. We went to her grave and changed the flowers this morning. Much has happened in the last year; I am tired, and taking some time off. I am somewhat unmotivated today and want to just waste time rather than be productive. I am not even motivated to waste time at anything.
I read about the five stages of grief. Of course they are not lock step phases, more like attributes, I think that follow one another. I don't know that I ever felt denial, anger, or bargaining, perhaps because I knew her death was coming and it wasn't sudden, just sooner than I expected based on the hospice doctor's prediction. also have a different perspective on life than many; I am global rather than "it's all about my world." This does not make me less selfish--I can be very selfish--but I don't process events that way.
But I do go through the depression phases; despite finish a doctorate and doing several other professional and personal accomplishments, sometimes, like now, I just want to stare into the wall. I want to hide under covers. I have dull headaches that make me want to curl up. I am tired and don't want to get up. Since I work hard and get up five or six mornings a week and go out into the world, I am ambivalent about adventures. I am not clinical depressed, just feeling malaise. Facing another year of teaching is not exciting for me, but this may pass.
We test drove a Corvette yesterday. Today my husband test drove a BMW Z3, my dream car, without me. I called him a dirty dog.
I read about the five stages of grief. Of course they are not lock step phases, more like attributes, I think that follow one another. I don't know that I ever felt denial, anger, or bargaining, perhaps because I knew her death was coming and it wasn't sudden, just sooner than I expected based on the hospice doctor's prediction. also have a different perspective on life than many; I am global rather than "it's all about my world." This does not make me less selfish--I can be very selfish--but I don't process events that way.
But I do go through the depression phases; despite finish a doctorate and doing several other professional and personal accomplishments, sometimes, like now, I just want to stare into the wall. I want to hide under covers. I have dull headaches that make me want to curl up. I am tired and don't want to get up. Since I work hard and get up five or six mornings a week and go out into the world, I am ambivalent about adventures. I am not clinical depressed, just feeling malaise. Facing another year of teaching is not exciting for me, but this may pass.
We test drove a Corvette yesterday. Today my husband test drove a BMW Z3, my dream car, without me. I called him a dirty dog.
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