Wednesday, July 29, 2015

One-Year Anniversary

My mother died a year ago today, at about noon.  I won't put the particulars here.  We went to her grave and changed the flowers this morning.  Much has happened in the last  year; I am tired, and taking some time off.  I am somewhat unmotivated today and want to just waste time rather than be productive.  I am not even motivated to waste time at anything.

I read about the five stages of grief.  Of course they are not lock step phases, more like attributes, I think that follow one another.  I don't know that I ever felt denial, anger, or bargaining, perhaps because I knew her death was coming and it wasn't sudden, just sooner than I expected based on the hospice doctor's prediction.   also have a different perspective on life than many; I am global rather than "it's all about my world."  This does not make me less selfish--I can be very selfish--but I don't process events that way.

But I do go through the depression phases; despite finish a doctorate and doing several other professional and personal accomplishments, sometimes, like now, I just want to stare into the wall.  I want to hide under covers.  I have dull headaches that make me want to curl up.  I am tired and don't want to get up.  Since I work hard and get up five or six mornings a week and go out into the world, I am ambivalent about adventures.  I am not clinical depressed, just feeling malaise.  Facing another year of teaching is not exciting for me,  but this may pass.

We test drove a Corvette yesterday.  Today my husband test drove a BMW Z3, my dream car, without me.  I called him a dirty dog. 

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